I’ve lost weight.

I feel good at this weight. It feels natural, normal, right. Most of my life, I’ve been heavier than this weight.

The T word came out again recently. Someone called me “tiny.” It used to bug the heck out of me. Now, I’m like, whatever. That’s how I appear to someone else. It doesn’t matter. 

A friend worried I’d lost too much weight. I gain and lose weight all the time, so I’ve been there and done that one, too. Some people think I look great, and some people think I look frail. Great, tiny, frail. 

I grew up in So Cal. There are two weights there, thin and fat. Underweight = thin and everything else is still-needs-to-lose weight. Sorry not sorry but I don’t think I’m thin. I think I’m not fat.

Growing up in So Cal, I was fat. Not fat fat but So Cal fat. I weighed about 20 pounds more than I do today. At one point, I think I may have weighed another 15 pounds more than that. I thought being fat was a sin against God. Really. It was very dramatic.

I care a shit ton about my weight. I feel happier when my weight is lower than when it’s higher. I am embarrassed to care but there it is: I care. It is terribly shallow to feel happier at one weight than at another. That’s the pleasant thing about shame; there’s always enough to go around. I am ashamed when I weigh too much and ashamed when I’m happy that I weigh less. I have designed this perfectly so that I can always, always be ashamed of my relationship with my body. 

Here’s what I like about how I’m eating now. It’s highly restricted and that works perfectly for me. I like not being so full that I’m uncomfortable. I really really like that. I like not feeling driven by cravings, feeling driven to eat, feeling overwhelmed by a compulsion. I really really really like that. My diet is exceptionally nurturing. I’m eating so much organic produce that my shit is green. I don’t miss the sweetened stuff, and I like not missing it. I feel free. My diet is highly restricted, and I feel free. I really really really really like that. 

Some people are vegan. Some are paleo. Some eat only raw food. I have had judgements about other people’s diets, except that lately, I don’t. If you’ve found a way to eat that’s enjoyable for you, a way that helps you maintain a weight that makes you happy, and this way of eating keeps you healthy, you keep rocking that special diet. 

Our digestion is not the result of food in, food out. Our digestion is affected by everything in our lives: our hormones, our activities, our thoughts, our feelings. Recently, my digestion was uneasy. I panicked -- oh no! I must be eating something that’s upsetting my digestion! oh no! what is it? what should I not be eating? Oh no! 

I decided it probably was a supplement I’d been taking. I stopped taking it, and my digestion got better. But maybe it wasn’t the supplement. Maybe it was thoughts I was having, or my sleep, or my hormones, or the sum total of all those factors. 

If I want good digestion, if I want to feel happily fueled, if I want to feel nurtured, it’s going to take more than restricting which foods I eat. It’s going to take expanding my life to include more ease and kindness. I need to eat forgiveness.

part II

Last night, I caught myself being judgmental and mean. I quickly apologized, and my apology was quickly and graciously accepted. The person I had slammed noted she felt it happened a lot, and my first thought was: no, I don’t do that. My second thought was: shit, I totally do that. 

I’m not slap a puppy mean. I’m not cruel, either, and I’m capable of being warm and supportive. But, there’s something about me, something keen and sharp, something judgmental, that can make others a bit afraid of me. 

As I write that, I feel the pain of it. It sticks in my throat and the tears come. I am so sorry.

I would like for others to view me more warmly. I’d like to receive fewer negative judgments from others. Let’s be real: I’d like to stop being a bitch. 

Some people really own their inner bitch. They like being assertive in that way. It used to serve me, I guess. The thing is that the inner bitch often is turned inward, and I give myself a hell of a time. I judge everything I do and say. I am relentless.

You think when I’m talking about my weight that I’m talking about my weight. I’m not. I’m talking about this unrelenting judgment, turned inward, turned outward, this pre-emptive strike. 

When I talk about healing, I go to the basics: good food, good rest, good support. Good choices. Deep reflection. I’m talking about touching on my core shame and letting some of that go. I’m talking about the layers I put on top of that shame to hide the shame. I’m talking about the ways I learned to be to defend myself. You know why I eat such a crazy diet? My whole life, that’s why. I don’t mind. I don’t mind the crazy, restrictive diet, really. But this being judgmental to others? That shit has got to go. 

If I want others to stop hating on me, I have to stop projecting my judgements outward. If I want to stop hating on myself, I’m going to have to make a habit of not being a hater.